Tuesday, June 14, 2016

do we wait or live life and find them along the way?

I was having a very open and raw conversation with someone dear to my heart today. And during our conversation the topic of marriage came up. Where was I in dating, the need for faith in relationships...it's good, it makes so much sense and I truly appreciate their words. One thing that has stuck with me, though not the point of the conversation, was them mentioning emerging and young adults putting off relationships to pursue education and career.

I would be the first to tell you I don't regret on single second of pursuing my Masters Degree. In all actuality I am seriously looking into pursuing a PhD in a few years. There are a few things I have learned as a 27 year old woman, especially in the LDS faith. Most people in the culture of the church expect you to be married by 22. Anything much beyond that, your priorities must be off, skewed or misplaced. I've been questioned as to what's wrong with me. Why am I not busy having babies. Who did I reject and what opportunities did I turn down with good men to advance myself to where I am. Why do I seek to be a strong woman instead of being submissive to every whim of a man. I've definitely heard much more than this, spent nights in tears. But I would not trade what I have gained from the experiences of education and living so far from family.

At this point in my life, especially after serving a full time mission, there is a strong part of me that would love to be married. To spend 18 months teaching about Jesus Christ, eternal families and blessing of lasting ordinances; it sure comes to mind that yeah it'd be nice to have. But I can't wait for it. If I sat still waiting for the one person to come along...nothing would happen. I would be a version of me that I don't like. I would stop progressing. I wouldn't be true to myself. I've met plenty of people who have sat and waited. Some have met their spouse that way. Some are still sitting. Life is different for every single person. For me life tends to happen while I am living it.

We are meant to grow, develop, change and progress. So while these questions come of what I'm doing with my love life. I'm serving, loving with my heart wide open, getting to know new people, beginning to volunteer, working on building a business, starting a job next week, spending time with good friends when schedules allow, connecting with the universe on a deeper level and starting to work on life long dreams.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

not this

I saw one of those pictures on Facebook last night that has a dark background and then just the words "Not This" were in the middle of it. As I read through the description the writer, Elizabeth Gilbert, went on to describe moments in our life where we may wake up and find ourselves saying "not this." It could be in a struggling relationship, friendship, job or personally where you wake up and just see something you never expected or wanted happening in your life. Your path going in a completely different path than you anticipated before. And you just need to get out of it or you will be stuck there living the same moments and same regrets over and over.

In some ways through my life I have definitely had those moments. Whether it was with addiction, toxic relationships, being stagnant or having weight problems. I found myself pleading not now, not again, not this?! Why. The best things that have ever happened when I have found myself in those places is leaving. It is scary. There is so much anxiety with it. But I have had 3 big moves on my own when I have been able to leave the situation and build more on the positive within me. Create who I want to be. And instead of dreading the not this it becomes a chance to say what next?

In the end she said that though we may not know what's wrong with the now. We do know it is not this and the bravest words we can say are WHAT Comes next?

So while I am in the midst of a consistent stream of what next moments. I know you are too. That is the most beautiful and most terrifying part of this life. Leave the past behind and move. Find the next part. Be open to whatever it may be. Allow yourself moments of grief and weakness. Be vulnerable. And in those times, the strength will come.