Saturday, December 24, 2016
It has been about five months since I last shared anything. I've taken some growing time to get into the flow of work, discovering new hobbies, meeting people...the whole experience of being new somewhere. In just the past seven months there have been so many experiences that have brought great joys, opportunities for gratitude and vulnerability. There have been times of great stress and sadness. However sitting here I am grateful for all of it. I am still struggling with some confusion and stress but I know it will help me grow. I am grateful for the new connections. I am grateful for the work and the brave kids I get to meet. I am grateful that I get to wake up and make choices each and every day.
I hope moving into 2017 I can remain on the side of my Father in Heaven. I hope that things will continue to steadily move in the direction they are at this time.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
When I started this blog I wanted to be regular in writing. When I got home I wanted to pick everything up where I left off. But throughout the last five months as I have struggled, gone through surgery, moving my parents and then myself, a job search and looking for a home (and another move) and feeling generally lost. all the time. I have realized that I am different. I am not the Katie I was 23 months ago. And it impacts the deepest parts of my soul to see and begin to accept that. And start to figure out what I am doing with that. But that's okay.
On some level I don't have the tolerances that I used to. I haven't found the energy in my heart to jump fully into the academic world I once was so deeply involved in. I can't seem to talk as much to anyone. I go days, weeks and months without talking to people I have been through so much with because...I don't know why other than I don't feel the same. and I'm trying to reconcile myself and bring 23 months ago Katie to this moment. To the vision of myself that the Lord gave me while I was choosing to serve Him.
Its an interesting thing, coming home. You make plans and the family is in on it, ready to support. And then the plans that are actually there; the ones that are meant for your ultimate growth and learning are nothing like the plans you have.
Miracles come into your life. In the midst of going through the moments, people show up. Understanding the utter confusion and treading water feeling. And they understand that most days you are just getting by. Doing the motions while the faith grows.
I feel a big purpose of this is to thank those who let me stare. Who let me come and sit with them in silence while they live their life and I try and see what is next. To thank those who haven't heard from me in forever but trust that I still love them. To say sorry and I'm working on coming to myself, this version of me. To say that what makes it easier is the faith the God has a plan and trusting His plan is way easier than forcing mine. To thank God for the job that I now have and the home I get to be a part of. To thank God for still being there.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
I would be the first to tell you I don't regret on single second of pursuing my Masters Degree. In all actuality I am seriously looking into pursuing a PhD in a few years. There are a few things I have learned as a 27 year old woman, especially in the LDS faith. Most people in the culture of the church expect you to be married by 22. Anything much beyond that, your priorities must be off, skewed or misplaced. I've been questioned as to what's wrong with me. Why am I not busy having babies. Who did I reject and what opportunities did I turn down with good men to advance myself to where I am. Why do I seek to be a strong woman instead of being submissive to every whim of a man. I've definitely heard much more than this, spent nights in tears. But I would not trade what I have gained from the experiences of education and living so far from family.
At this point in my life, especially after serving a full time mission, there is a strong part of me that would love to be married. To spend 18 months teaching about Jesus Christ, eternal families and blessing of lasting ordinances; it sure comes to mind that yeah it'd be nice to have. But I can't wait for it. If I sat still waiting for the one person to come along...nothing would happen. I would be a version of me that I don't like. I would stop progressing. I wouldn't be true to myself. I've met plenty of people who have sat and waited. Some have met their spouse that way. Some are still sitting. Life is different for every single person. For me life tends to happen while I am living it.
We are meant to grow, develop, change and progress. So while these questions come of what I'm doing with my love life. I'm serving, loving with my heart wide open, getting to know new people, beginning to volunteer, working on building a business, starting a job next week, spending time with good friends when schedules allow, connecting with the universe on a deeper level and starting to work on life long dreams.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
In some ways through my life I have definitely had those moments. Whether it was with addiction, toxic relationships, being stagnant or having weight problems. I found myself pleading not now, not again, not this?! Why. The best things that have ever happened when I have found myself in those places is leaving. It is scary. There is so much anxiety with it. But I have had 3 big moves on my own when I have been able to leave the situation and build more on the positive within me. Create who I want to be. And instead of dreading the not this it becomes a chance to say what next?
In the end she said that though we may not know what's wrong with the now. We do know it is not this and the bravest words we can say are WHAT Comes next?
So while I am in the midst of a consistent stream of what next moments. I know you are too. That is the most beautiful and most terrifying part of this life. Leave the past behind and move. Find the next part. Be open to whatever it may be. Allow yourself moments of grief and weakness. Be vulnerable. And in those times, the strength will come.
Monday, April 18, 2016
as just a general health and addiction update: things are good. there was honestly a week where the food issues went a little berzerk a few days and the thoughts came. weak. not good enough. failure. fat. unworthy. unloved. and my mind picked at every part of my body the next few days. we all do it. my hair is too flat. my thighs are too large. my arms are too big. my chest is too small. my stomach is too flabby. i'm not beautiful enough. and on...
then i decided to reclaim myself...again. accepting each pound. wrinkle. ache. knowing they were placed there by years of decisions. and then i looked at myself again. and i saw arms that get to hug people i love. wrinkles and lines that came for laughter and smiling. legs that can run and walk and play. a mouth that can speak words of love. and a whole body that has won and overcome so much and is meant for a continually wonderful life.
its so hard to push through the negative thoughts when they come. to look back at yourself in the mirror and saw that was a choice. i am the sum of my choices. but my next one can positively impact the rest of my days. mine was going to serve another person. getting out. seeing how much i could actually do with this magnificent body in positive, productive ways.
as for the pornography addiction: 3 years 5 months clear. triggers are less and less every week. true love, the most powerful pure love overcomes all. the love from God helped me.
the negative thoughts have been at bay the past few days because i began to accept again that my Savior loves me. that God loves me. and their love is all that matters because i am the daughter of a King. it helps when the rest gets too much. and what helps more is to let others know how much they are loved.
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
A few years ago, my wonderful roommate and friend described to me some of what life was like utilizing the spoon theory. I've thought of it a few times since then but haven't lingered there until about 9 months ago when I became sick while finishing my full-time mission for my church. Gratefully I was able to finish my service but life changed much.
Over the course of a month I found myself in increasing pain and diminishing energy. But with remembrance of the spoon theory and experiencing the realities of my present, tasks, efforts, everything had to be budgeted differently than before. But, to others I didn't look sick. I knew and my companion knew that I would run out if we weren't careful.
I'm so grateful though to remember and see these things and get it. To understand my dear friend more than ever before. We may not be in the same circumstances but if for a second we can empathize with another soul in this mortal journey, that is blessed.
The past three weeks have been pretty rough this time around. However, there is always light somewhere. Something to be grateful for. At this moment I'm grateful for laughter. Loved ones. Doctors and this surgery coming up. Most important my Savior who provides a perfect brightness of hope to my soul.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
And as I thought about this I realized how true of a failure I am! I fail all the time. I fail at being brave to say things when I want. I fail at sharing feelings. I fail at giving light. I fail at getting out of my traps and snares unscathed each time they surface.
But isn't that was life is about? Because each time I fail, I succeed. Because I get.back.up. I fight again. I say brave things when God wants me to say them. I tend to share feelings when it is actually needed. Light is given when it is needed. And getting out of traps and snares with the bruises, scrapes and wounds are so I can keep learning and hopefully fail a little less or in a different way next time.
It is always about the fight. Thanks be to God that there is still fight in me. With the physical ailments, the attunement to 3 years of recovery from pornography addiction (to not lose it). And now working daily with this food addiction.
I've learned through TSFL and the gospel that it is truly ALL choices. There are times when choices are bound with stress and other emotional/lack of coping responses. But it is my agency. I haven't used my agency well the past three days. I feel it this morning. I feel the failure. But I am enthusiastic! I know I can get up and walk a day at a time to the next moment successfully.
What I am doing today to get back up, I am going to a meeting tonight. First meeting since being home from the mission. But it will be good. :) I have HOPE and I am optimistic about this. Because I have come farther than I failed and I know I can do more. :)
What choices will you make today to get up from your failures?
Monday, March 14, 2016
These people have softer hearts. They love in a full, deep, whole souled way. They may absorb a lot more. They feel things on a much deeper level. They are told by many to grow thicker skin, toughen up, stop being so naïve. They frequently are the ones to try and listen and bring compromise to many situations in their families. After years of practice they are then turned to by friends and acquaintances. They still have their family that they try and listen to and support. Pretty soon they become an outlet for all who are around. And their softness begins to grow weary. They want sleep, or healing of their own, or peace of mind and soul. Sometimes they may see that their life is not their own; they are meant to serve others. But then the real wear and tear comes how do they find their way out of this endless place of give and no receiving? When will their needs be met? Eventually there comes a sweet healing in Christ or a higher power as some choose to call it. But it takes time. Sometimes they have given so much the healing takes weeks, months...years. It comes. But what could help this?
I've wondered a time or two about what would help these loved ones before they get to this burn out, this almost past feeling state. And I've come to the conclusion that if we were all a little bit kinder. If we listened to each other more. If we sought to meet needs rather than have our needs met. If we chose to set boundaries and not turn another person into our personal dumping space. Workout what is okay and not okay to share. Talk about what will help you thrive in a friendship a relationship and keep those boundaries. They will help you love each other more freely than anything ever has. Respect each other's realities. Care enough to ask.
There is always so much more but really, truly consider these people in your families. Love them! Because I can assure you they love you more than you will ever know.
Check out this video on Boundaries by Brene Brown.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
This morning I came across a video by Terry Crews while exploring the Utah Coalition Against Pornography's Facebook page and he amazed me. I don't know how long he has been speaking his truth and owning life decisions and trying to help others, but it was amazing. He was brave. He spoke up and speaks out against pornography, talks about empowering people to freedom from their old life and consequently letting that life die. The core of what he said was so good and true.
What would the world benefits if more of us spoke up? Made ourselves known?
Friday, March 11, 2016
"The wound is the place where light enters the body." Rumi
I heard that last night while watching a video broadcast of Gabby Bernstein. And she was talking about being authentic. Showing the real self on social media. Or at least being authentic with each other to discuss our stuff. I LOVED it.
I've pondered on her words and the quote a lot and I completely agree. Through reflection, I can see how each wound I have humbled me enough to let light in. I choose to call the light Jesus Christ. You may call it something else. But as He has come in, healing has come. And it has been beautiful. I am so grateful for each and every wound because they led me straight to Him.
Some of those wounds were inflicted through the agency of others but the vast majority were self inflicted. And what is amazing, He still comes in. Even if we are the ones causing the damage. But we have to let go of pride long enough to let the light in.
I wouldn't ever wish wounds on anyone, especially addiction. But I do wish everyone could know the hard and love filled journey back to light and peace each addict has. And to me, it's all thanks to the bringer of light, Jesus Christ.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Since being home I have thought a lot about recovery. Physical. Mental. Spiritual. Then I get this e-mail from one of the recovery yogis that I used to listen to. And it is about beating addiction, through humility and vulnerability. He talked about how humility helps us to ask for help. And best of all, to know we are not the most important thing so we reach out to help others. And vulnerability helps us to take the scary look at ourselves and see what may be wrong. What needs healing. The steps we need to take to heal. Its a process. But these two are key; there's a reason humility is one of the 12 steps.
I've thought a lot about my own road to recovery and the amazing people who have come before me and with me. 3 year 3 months. That's a long time. Longer than before. And it will last this time. As I stay humble. Choose to include the Lord and be ever mindful of what is going on within me. With that said, some of my secondary addictions are trying to resurface since being home.
But I am choosing to act in my life again. I've always been super open and upfront about my journeys. So I am going to share. Whatever will help. Video logs. Daily treasures and triumphs. I want to utilize the tools the Lord has provided to aid in maintaining recovery. To me these are scriptures, recovery groups, meditation and yoga, therapy, church and temple worship. I want to invite you on this journey with me as I continue to optimal health. :)
Emotional Eating Link 1
Emotional Eating Link 2
Addiction Recovery Program
In The Rooms