since February i've been in some cyclical free fall. my stress/anxiety was triggered when i began writing my project/thesis for my Masters program and i binge ate for the first time in over a year. then i went to my first OA meeting. i was fine for a few weeks and then another deadline hit and i binged. this pattern happened over and over...and over for four months.
i've felt great shame and embarrassment. i've felt guilt. i've also felt safe as i've met new friends who see who i am now and who i was a year ago, and a year and a half ago and they are amazed. i forget about the progress i've made. yes i've struggled over the past four months. i've struggled more than anyone other than my journal or God may ever know. but support and moments of brightness have popped up to bring reprieve from the struggle with satan. they have popped up to help me see the strength of my own personal choice.
these moments of support have come from friends, roommates, counselors, mentors, peers and spiritual leaders. God has truly had His hand in my life as these individuals have shared their grace with me.
when i got my mission call two and a half weeks ago to Arizona Tucson it didn't even cross my mind the war that satan would wage on me. that he would kick up his efforts even more to drag me down. and it didn't take me until tonight to see how dark the past two weeks have been on account to satan's efforts and my choice to listen to him over the voice of the Savior. yep. i've been listening to the darker side of my soul. not a good place for a recovering addict to be.
monday i prayed for forgiveness. i tried to pray to feel something. and the lyrics to 'my kindness shall not depart from thee' came to my mind. "for a little while have i forsaken thee. but with great mercies will i gather thee. in a little wrath i hid my face from thee. for a moment. ... though thine afflictions seem at times to great to bear. i know thine every thought and every care. and though the very jaws of hell gape after thee i am with thee. and with everlasting mercy will i succor thee..."
the reality of satan has never been a stranger to me. however, the reality that choice plays in my ability to handle satan is more real in my life. i do forget though, my natural man gives up though my spirit seems to consistently cling to light. sometimes i consciously choose things that are not for my good because i chose them. sometimes i was triggered and then i 'wake-up' with slight recollection of what i did or what happened. my own post black-out.
tonight in a recovery meeting someone shared about their bottom. about how they just went from fix to fix and kept going because their brain said they needed it. needed to keep the high going. needed this level of ecstasy. this rang so true to my core. i know that feeling, sensation, hunger deep in the pit of my stomach. it usually can keep it contained.
i'm grateful for the few people in my life who get it. who i can talk to. who ask about it. i'm grateful for meetings where people share and i can relate. i'm grateful for the spiritual highs i've felt today. for the love i've felt in my loneliness bc i've shared love with people around me. i'm grateful for the deep, cleansing breath i took tonight. it felt like the first breath i have taken in four months.