okay! so i know it has been a few days. really, i know. but i went to a place of...i have to successfully make it through a weekend and i didn't know if i could. fear drives some addictions friends. isolation and secrecy is a friend to addiction and acting out. not wanting to feel what you may feel so deeply is a triggering event, for me at least.
i can happily and proudly say that i made it through valentines day without a slip, without compulsive eating, without a binge. i realize i have said that another day this week...but on all days, especially VALENTINES DAY! that is a huge win for me. this holiday was always about indulging in chocolates and cakes and junk...tasty but killing me too. i ended up at some constructive outings with some friends and made it through, abstaining.
today i can happily say the same. i have felt more of my Savior's love this day as well. i have felt His presence when at the cheesecake factory, every cell in my body wanted a piece. but i felt a calm arm shepherd me away.
i am coming to feel the difference in the two hungers. one hunger comes in my stomach, that is when i know i am really hungry. the deep hunger is when i feel the actual desire for food. the other hunger is more in my throat. that hunger is more when something sounds good and i may just crave it and it could make my mouth water. but this hunger is almost always accompanied by an acidic feeling in my throat and mouth. that is when i know that listening to it could lead to a binge. this has been huge this week as i have been trying to figure my body sensations out.
a few things have helped keep me accountable (step 10) since i last posted. one is going to oa meetings whether they are in person or on the phone they are great. another is considering trying to break through automatic actions and feel what i am feeling. one is definitely my post-its! everything within me wants to be able to cross-off a day at the end of each day. the last is requesting a sponsor. we have communicated a few times and knowing the commitment she is seeking for 90 days is helping me. she is LDS as well and that helps me. we will utilize the 12 steps in the arp manual. we will use scriptures, journaling, prayers and reflection. i am so grateful for the tools the church provides.
**my friend over at this blog who is also writing about his recovery process brought the idea about a sponsor to my attention and it felt like the right thing to do.
each day is so different in my world. but taking it truly one day at a time and having the Lord on my side things are a bit brighter.