Monday, February 10, 2014

a few days

wow. the reality of following that faster scale is real. and by following i mean, DON'T! :) if you find yourself going down it, find something real to hold on to. i had to sunday afternoon. i literally had to reach out and hold onto something to draw the line between reality and what was happening in my mind.

friday and saturday were really hard for me. i got stuck. emotions, stress, rigid thinking, desperation, self-will, denial, ego...all of it was there to differing degrees. the trigger kicked off with a tremendous amount of stress. it left me staring at the wall. then i actually needed to go to the store. but, don't ever go to the store if you have a food addiction and are in the midst of a free fall. saturday was only worse in different ways. i hit my rock bottom on saturday night. i ended up crying myself to sleep and all because i didn't stay authentic to my emotions and live them. i numbed them in the way i used to for years.

i didn't have my inner mediator turned on. whatever in me shut down the past few days just left. i vaguely recall hearing it try to peek through a few times but i was shut down. deadening. i've been there. i've never shared this in such a public format. but i am a recovering pornography addict - 15 months of sobriety/abstinence! this was not going to happen to me again. i have too much to live for. i have too many people to live for. my life is to serve God, not my emotions and self-will.

sunday - pulling myself out of it was tough. i needed to get back to my plan, but strengthen it. after church i got a blessing that had the words in it i really needed. then i headed to an OA meeting - yep Overeaters Anonymous. food addiction/emotional eating/compulsive eating/binge eating its a real issue people deal with and it has much more to deal with than a simple, just control yourself comment. took a long walk home to work through some of my emotions and ended up still somewhat shut down when i got home. i just prayed. i knelt and prayed and then e-mailed a few friends. i put 90 post-its on my wall to visualize some steps for the coming days. 90 days of serving and connecting with a new person. 90 days of abstinence from food addiction behaviors. 90 days of scripture reading. 90 days of prayers. visually i pray it helps me stay mindful of the task at hand. i can touch it and know it is a reality. 90 days to rewire my brain.

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